The Twilight Saga New Moon

Oh dear god, here we go again. I say it over and over. I don't get it, I really don't. I don't care if Chris Weitz is directing it. (I didn't get Harry Potter either, so Saga lovers should know that this isn't personal) I don't care if that simple fact alone gives the film more credibility than it can possibly hope to achieve without him.

Every second I have to watch Robert Pattinson on a screen looking pensive and brooding makes me feel like I am wasting my life. Every time Kristen Stewart as Bella looks sad/needy/desperate/horny (delete as applicable, as each emotion apparently looks exactly like the other) I get the very real sense that time is passing more slowly, mocking me.

I'm not a girl, much less a fangirl. I've never read any of the books choosing instead to give them an extremely wide berth. The exit polls of the first weekend of release suggested that eighty percent of the admittedly massive and record breaking audiences were female, and of that, sixty percent of them were under twenty-one.

So, it's safe to say that a slightly overweight writer in their early-forties is not the target audience for this type of thing. No shit, really? So then, should I really be surprised by my reaction to a film that is clearly not made for one such as myself? It clearly has it's fangs embedded firmly into the audiences worldwide that have flocked to see it in the first three days, making it the third most profitable opening weekend in history. (only The Dark Knight and Spiderman 3 have done better in that same period)

With Bella (Stewart) turning eighteen, an impromptu and uncomfortable looking party at the Cullen residence nearly turns Bella into supper when she cuts her finger on some wrapping paper on one of her presents, causing Edward to quickly re-evaluate his future with Bella. How could he have been so foolish as to believe that they had a future together, when he really should have known that any vampire, even his own family members would eat Bella's face off the minute his back was turned. A startlingly quick deduction given that he spent most of Twilight doing his utmost to propel their relationship to new heights, regardless of the consequences.

So whiz, bang and poof and he's off, claiming that she will never see him again. She offers her soul to him, if it means they can stay together. He's not having any of it, however. Finally, it looks like the poor lad has finally seen the light and has decided that Bella is as tiresome as the rest of the rational thinking world has known all along. This quick and thankful exit doesn't last anywhere near long enough, however, and before you know it, Bella is having visions of Edward in the oddest of places, dissolving just as quickly as he appears, into the ether. Still brooding, even in her imagination, it seems.

Taking solace in the undeniable bike-fixing skills of another (clearly missing Edward desperately, as per the nightmares and visions) she begins to spend some time with Jacob, played by a ridiculously 'buff' Taylor Lautner, who has hair like Samson (pre-crop) and teeth whiter than the light you hopefully see just after you die. Okay, so the boy can't act his way out of a paper bag, but he clearly delivers what is asked of him. TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!!!!

To tell you any more of the plot will no doubt either ruin the film completely for you or, and this is more likely, be of no surprise as you probably know the score already. You have either read the books or you haven't and whilst being reliably informed that the plot sticks pretty closely to the original, what comes next almost made me laugh out loud. I mean, what are the odds, right?

Between this point and the arrival of one Michael Sheen (thank god) there is angst, soul-searching, hints at romance and other none too deft plot meanderings that really dull the already put-upon sense. We even have time for what appears to be a music video around an hour in. The 'never see me again' proves a promise all too shortlived as Bella rushes to save her love who already thinks she is lost. And when they meet again, Aro (Sheen) brings up the acting quotient ten-fold and the reason to watch the film becomes slightly less embarrassing and uncomfortable. Not for long enough, however, to save this howler (if you'll pardon the pun) from sinking dismally into the unenviable annals of perplexing piles of tosh that enjoy disproportionate amounts of success.

Almost achingly dreadful in practically every way. a largely terrible acting ensemble murders an already questionable storyline littered with plot holes and loose ends that are mentioned and forgotten in equal measure. This effort will mean alot more to those that have read the books or have foolishly and recently sat through Twilight. For everyone else, this is a laborious and painful exercise and should be played on a loop only to those convicted of serious crimes.

I really wanted to be wrong about this film, hoping against hope that it would drag it's sorry carcass up through the travesty of cinema that Twilight most certainly was. Instead, we are plunged headlong back into a world that bears little hope for cinema or the effort that many diligently strive to put into a medium that can defy reality for a couple of hours every so often. This is a slap in the face for every decent film-maker, each of which must be shaking their heads in disbelief at the sorry, sorry mess the industry has clearly become when efforts like New Moon can garner the attention, and dollars, that we have seen thrown at it in recent days.

And yes, god help us all again. They are making another. Look for 'Eclipse' next June. You have been warned. So pick something else.